when i found out you were coming, i felt my stomach at my feet. i could barely fathom the concept of my own life. . . let alone the life of another. in disbelief, i lost it and wondered if anyone else knew. every hour of every day was unfocused. my teeth grinding. my skin pale. my eyes red. i took a chance and made mistakes and now i thought the whole world was watching. paranoid. delusional. scared. barely sleeping or eating. i tried to make myself believe that you would go away but you didn't. you stayed and you made me sick to my stomach every day you were here. i despised you but i despised myself even more. i couldn't look in the mirror. i couldn't look into anyone's eyes. there could be no we. that's what i decided for me. a decision that made you disappear forever that made my heart dissipate into small piece scattered like ashes in the wind. you loved me but i couldn't love you more than i loved myself.
when you used to hold me at night, i felt safe. i felt a sense of well being for at least one part of my day - almost every day. the uncontrollable shaking, coughing and nausea that consumed my body when i should have been sleeping began to take a toll on who i was. it began to take a toll on you. your brown eyes reflected everything that you saw in me. but i never saw fear. i never saw doubt. i never saw unhappiness. all i saw was love. all of the times that you picked me up from the ground, held a cold washcloth over my forehead, gave me water and rubbed my back were not in vain. my weakness didn't matter because you were stronger than the both of us. the constant nightmares that interrupted your slumber and mine are gone now. and all that's left is us.
and just when you think your life is a complete mess, remember that you are blessed.