TAKERS, take me !

the first time i saw this trailer , i almost cried. soooo many sexy men ! straight yummmmy.

distance.

every time i exhale , a piece of you , a piece of us , dissipates into thin air.

for years , i breathed you.

carefully joined to my lips

like life support ---

YOU were my air.

time wears at my brain.

the constant click of the second hand drives me insane

in an apparent circular motion

constantly leering at my rearview mirror

counting the seconds that separate WE into you and I

and i choke.

i can no longer feel the riseandfall in my chest.

my heart stands still.

finally

i breathe.

personal growth :)

i honestly believe that every day i mature more and more as a young adult. and over the past few weeks , i have come to some interesting conclusions.

1. i am in love with someone who i have loved forever but he has been taking up way too much space in my heart and mind. i was paying more attention to him as an individual and less attention to myself as a spiritual and intellectual being. all of the love and energy that was being centered around him , needs to be redirected to GOD.

2. i have been watching opportunities pass when i should have been taking full advantage of life and everything it has to offer. i was so attached to stability that change left and after a while , so did my happiness because my life was stagnant. now i choose to go for everything that my heat desires because i deserve it :)

3. i cannot participate in self reflection through a comparison between myself and other people. i am who i am and they are who they are. the ways in which other people live their lives do not and cannot work for me because i am my own person. my self evaluation is between me , myself , and I.

4. the love that i have for my friends , family and GOD cannot be replaced or taken for granted. i don't say i love you enough and that's changing because any day could be my last.

and last but not least ,

5. i have been afraid to experience life because i was reliving the past in the present every day. but the past is exactly that for a reason. it will always be a part of me but instead of allowing it to control my present and future , i will use it to make the world a better place :) [corny , i know lol.]

finally , I'M HAPPY.

maybe some of the ideas that have been placed in my heart can help other people. maybe not.

just a thought.

humans are naturally sexual beings yet every time SEX is brought into a conversation , people become uncomfortable and withdrawn. why are we so afraid to discuss something so natural ? probably because its natural purposes have been characterized more as an after thought than a purpose. for example , an individual participating in a sexual act that does not include penetration has no intention of procreation -- the original purpose of the act. people jump into bed with strangers completely AGAINST becoming pregnant. now something that can be so beautiful is portrayed as something so dirty. civilization has come so far that we spend most of our sexual lives preventing pregnancy because people are no longer having sex to repopulate the earth , but to release tension or gain pleasure from sex as a leisure activity like skiing or golf. haha.

it should be taken way more seriously but this is the world that we live in. you choose what's best for you.

just a thought :)

a confession of a teenage girl.

she never thought that she was beautiful.

i knew in my heart that i was much different than other girls at the age of 14. my hair was coarse with shades ranging from dark brown to blonde. my body was exquisite to the male species but to me , i thought that my legs were stumpy and that i was way too short. my eyesight was way below the average eyesight of a teenager and while i owned glasses , i refused to wear them after repeatedly being teased in the 7th grade. so i constantly squinted and sat at the front of the class so that i would be able to see what most people could see from a mile away. [even though i was physically nearsighted , i could see much farther than any other 14 year old ever could.] people scowled at me because they knew that i knew all of the answers. they laughed at me because i was pigeon toed but they were ignorant so they called me bowlegged. i loved math and english. and fashion was neither interesting nor important to me. people used a variety of adjectives to describe me to other people. smart , thick hair , glasses , brown skinned , short , quiet but beautiful ? NEVER THAT.

i believed that i would never meet a guy who liked me enough to ask me out. i lacked the confidence to interact with other people in fear that i wasn't cool enough or interesting enough. in situations involving the opposite sex , i dreaded their approach and focused my attention elsewhere just to avoid contact. i was afraid to be.

awkward , plain , shy , smart , thick hair , short , and brown skinned were all ways that other people described me but beautiful ? NEVER THAT.

just a friend.

everybody dreams of the day that they will meet their soul mate and when they think they've met them , they casually flirt , playfully laugh and wrestle , put on a little extra eye shadow or just a tad bit more cologne. you're watching your favorite comedy and you happen to reach for the popcorn at the same time as they do and you gaze deeply into their eyes and they say ...


"you're such a good friend"


WTF ? lol. after you put so much effort into trying to make that person see how much you admire them and they hit you with the you're such a good friend or you're like my brother/sister line , it's painful. so after admitting to having a crush on someone and completely putting yourself out on a limb for that person , can you fulfill that position of just a friend ? could you listen to all of their stories about their significant other , meet up with them when they need advice , lend them a helping hand in certain situations , be able to be alone with them without being awkward or celebrate holidays and birthdays without feeling emotionally or physically attracted to that person ?

a lot of people would much rather sever all ties between themselves and that individual than endure every gruesome minute of that person's life via pictures and social networking sites -- knowing that that will never be them. people disappear because they know that they will never be "the one". it's difficult to experience but it doesn't have to be all or nothing. i believe that while people do need time to heal , they should make an effort to continue to have a friendship with that person if indeed they do consider them to be their friend. there's somebody for everybody and sometimes the somebody that you want is not the somebody for you. once you can accept that and be at peace with the fact that your crush does not possess the same feelings for you as you do for them , you can begin to MOVE ON. you may or may not build a friendship with that person. it may or may not work ... but it doesn't hurt to try :)

love or craft ?

have you ever wanted to do something so bad that you would trade the one you love to do it ?

the scary thing is that there are a lot of people who have. in a country where ambition outweighs familial obligations , friends and moral values , one's "passion" makes the emotional feelings that are felt by human beings appear to be obsolete. people fall in love with what they do because they can't fall in love with anything or anyone else. this obsessive behavior stems from fear , rejection and loneliness. if someone has been hurt once by someone that they were in love with , people would rather hide behind their careers than to face the facts and pick up the pieces of their lives. they get so lost in what they do , that it becomes who they are. they can no longer distinguish between the two. the personal and the professional become heavily intertwined and anything that disrupts that can send someone into a frenzy. your craft doesn't talk back and it can't break your heart. it's something that will remain a part of your life for better or for worse. no matter what , your craft presents a loyalty that cannot be found in the common person.

people love to be in control. that's why most people are workaholics. love is something that cannot be controlled. so if you had to choose between your heart and your ambition , which one would you choose ?

voyage through india.

today, INDIA ARIE spoke at spelman and i was inspired to say the least. her spiritual connection and theories about life could be applied in so many ways. what most people would call scatterbrain and unorganized thinking, i viewed as abstract thoughts being spoken from the heart of a beautiful and positive human being. when something is heartfelt, it cannot be rehearsed or placed into coherent sentences of a three paragraph speech. life's lessons are not taught to us in a speech and therefore cannot be truly delivered through one. and while some people may have completely missed the messages she bestowed upon us , there were several things that stuck with me and will stick with me forever.

one of her theories about money was : money is nice but it should not control you. you should be able to do what you want and live happily AND have money. the decisions that we make are monetarily motivated and that does not have to be the case. time and time again, i am reminded that some people are made to be workaholics and some people are not. i am NOT a workaholic and i refuse to put myself in a position that would make me unhappy. i wish more people could see that but if they don't now , they will sooner or later. depends on the individual.

another theory that she expressed was that : people should not prejudge or make assumptions based on what they think they already know. if we take our assumptions out of situations , we will discover more about others and ourselves. also , when we judge an opportunity without giving it a chance , we may miss our blessing. who knows ?

today i had an amazing epiphany. as a budding social scientist and young woman, i realized that the most important thing to do is to make yourself happy. this is something that i already knew but i tend to forget the simple things when life gets a little crazy. whether it be in academics, relationships, work, spirituality ... your happiness is the most important aspect of mental health. mental health is the most important part of you. even when people are sick , it is important that they maintain their mental health because that's our motivation to live. so live.