ahhhhh !

after reading a 50 page discussion about politics in nigeria, i flip to april 21, 2010 in my planner and realize that i have more 50 page readings, articles, 10 pg papers and extra credit assignments that need to be done in a matter of days and in some cases hours. as i scramble around my desk and sort through piles of essays, notebooks and ethnographic literature in search for research paper guidelines, i want to scream. grades, finals, applications. it all becomes too much for one person. but after scuffling through all of the junk that i've consumed during my sophomore year i come across a picture of myself and someone special to me. i realize that life isn't so bad after all because it's JUST school. when i leave for summer vacation, i can't go back and change the outcome of any situation from this semester. all i can do is move forward and pray that i will do better next time. life exists outside of these four walls called college. we're only here for FOUR years. TWO have already flown by. the years that are supposed to be the best years of our lives should be just that. so let's make memories :)

too connected.

obviously the past 10 years have been dominated by social networking sites -- from black planet to myspace to facebook to twitter -- how connected is TOO connected ? how affected are we by these internet sites ? last night i came to the realization that i am too connected to people who are not even my friends or associates through facebook and twitter to the point that i cannot concentrate on school because i have to know what is going on around me 24/7. ummm that's not healthy, lol.

here's my problem :

first of all, you can find out everything you need to know about a person without actually knowing them. a complete stranger can request to be your "friend" and just because you went/go to the same school or have "mutual friends", you accept them. they want to basically be nosy and see what you're about without ever holding a conversation with you. is there something wrong with that picture ? i think so.

second of all, i get tired of people telling me that they miss me so much but they have yet to pick up the phone to call or text me to actually tell me that they miss me. why is being able to see my statuses and recently uploaded or tagged pictures enough for you not to bother to hold a real conversation with me ? to me, that's unacceptable because before social networking, people actually communicated instead of pressing the "like" button underneath my pictures of statuses.

(yeah, i'm a little upset. lol.)

finally, people assume that they deserve to know my every movement and thought throughout the day because that's what we've become used to. NO, you do not get the pleasure of finding out where i am, who i am with or what i am doing via internet. again, if you really are that interested, take down my number or hit me up. otherwise, you don't deserve to know anything that you haven't asked.

something you forgot.

why are we trapped in a cage of rationalization ? we want an explanation for everything. we try to make decisions for our emotions. we convince ourselves, "this is who i want to be with" instead of being real and saying what is really in our heart -- "this is who i want since i can't have who i REALLY want".

we always want things to be clear, cut and dry but unfortunately life CANNOT be that way. we teeter on the line of safety and temptation. we wait in long lines in front of every conveniently open door. we don't wanna work to see what's behind the door that has already been locked. this open door is practically broken off of its hinges so why not walk right through, right ?

life is complicated but is it ? i mean, we can simplify communication. we can simplify travel. we can simplify dinner. we can simplify work.

BUT we STILL cannot simplify our emotions. damn.

where does the time go ?

yesterday, i graduated from kindergarten.

with the title of "the mayor of munchkin land" in the wizard of oz [school play] under my belt, i was ready. at 3'7, 50 lbs, i believed that i was 6 ft tall. the world was my playground -- literally. the concrete was full of opportunity. pastel chalk sticks covered the pavement until they were washed away by the steps of my neighbors and the scuffs of my shoes, jumping rope. any mistakes that were made in marking the concrete could easily be washed away by the lukewarm summer rain. my scars and bruises were temporary. they only covered the surface and existed far from the heart. easily mended by colorful band-aids with my favorite disney characters. the only thing that could make me cry was being told that I couldn't go outside and play or if i had to get my hair done, lol. the fireflies i chased landed right into my hands. i could keep them forever in my jar covered by aluminum foil, lol. and when and ONLY when i was ready, i could just let them go.

how different are things now ?

the answer !

why don't women make as much money as men after all of these years ? why don't relationships last ? why don't men respect women the way they deserve to be respected ?

men do not respect women because women do not respect women.

females find it cute and attractive to be the other woman. they think it's risky. bad ass. "haha I have your man and you don't". well let me tell you this. it's not bad ass, it's not cute, it's far from attractive. and it's desperate.

as long as women allow themselves to fulfill that role, men will never think that there is anything wrong with what they are doing nor will they take responsibility for their actions. females always say, "she needs to control her man; that's not my problem" but it IS your problem. you may NOT be triflin and assume the position of spreading your legs, your lips or anything else for someone else's mate because he flirts with you enough. show some damn self restraint. just because he lights the match doesn't mean that you have to pour gasoline on the flame.

no, you do not get a pass for being the girl on the side who knows nothing about the girlfriend or the wife. if a guy treats the "women he loves" like trash by hooking up with you, why wouldn't he dispose of you at his convenience ? people will respect a woman who has been wronged by her mate before they will respect the woman who helped somebody wrong their mate. who's really dummy in the situation ?

finally, a man NEVER leaves his wife. period. and even if you claim that you don't want him, you do. because a woman would not lay down with or stalk a guy that she does not want in any way, shape or form. so at the end of the day ladies, be real with yourselves. stop making excuses for being a home wrecker and find some pride and dignity.

yes. guys who cheat are triflin and need to be dealt with because that is the person who is completely in the wrong in this situation.

however, WOMEN need to have more respect for other WOMEN and for themselves. as long as we're constantly trying to pull the wool over one another's eyes, we'll never receive equal treatment from men in society.

convenience or love ?

oh how we all long for convenience at such a young age. we would rather the world sit in our sweaty palms than to reach out and grab it. while it's easier said than done (believe me) people still are uneasy about living the lives that they want to live. we wait for life to happen to us and then we react. NO MORE.

we stay in relationships that we've been in forever because we're afraid that we'll never find anyone else. we hold on to dudes who treat us sooo dirty because we want to believe that one day he'll get better or that we're still too young to really commit. but how young is too young and at what point do we give up the excuses ? when we're 25, will we still be too young ? when we're 35, will he still be maturing ? guys chase after girls who are loose and unclean thinking that she has "potential" ... but how much potential does a hoe really have ? seriously you guys , sometimes it's better to just let go.

we enter relationships with people because they're convenient, hoping that love will come along eventually. that's not living.

it's convenient for guys to "wife" girls who are desperate and willing to do any and every thing for him from day one.

love makes guys to anything and everything for girls who they have a genuine connection to , not because of what she can do for him.

it's convenient for two vulnerable characters to hook up. they feed off of each other. but symbiotic relationships do not exist between partners who have parasitic mindsets.

love allows two vulnerable characters to know one another's faults and insecurities and not use that to their advantage but to build better people.

it's convenient for us to see what we want to see and hear what we want to hear.

love is someone pointing out how things really are, even if it hurts.

satan's best friend.

please deliver us from evil.

he's the wall in the room that separates you and I.

he silences my heartbeat and numbs your tongue

he disrupts the parting of our lips

paralyzes our brain cells

poison -- disguising himself as the cool.

lurking...

waiting to ruin our high

he hides between the sheets of our bed

he over-sexualized us

preys on the physical and deletes the emotional, the mental

omnipresent when we're apart

a constant reminder of the past

crippling the present and dooming the future

plastered on every inch of our bodies

we honor his image

so rogue and predictable

he's our saving grace

stifling our progression and advancing stagnation

he sits on the throne of complacency

he's our greatest alibi

FEAR.