raw twitter moment !

so wednesday, i updated my status on twitter saying that "I'm going to olive garden; i hope i don't get bluffed". then once i finalized my plans i said "I'm going to olive garden. yay !".

the next day.

imani: how'd your date go ?
jamila: whoa. how did you know i had a date ?
imani: twitter.

CREEPER ! lmao. i laughed for about 3 minutes when i realized that people actually read your updates and process that info in their mind about your daily activities. haha. that's why my updates are locked !

just a thought :)

i know that there is something amazing waiting for me.

when i wake up in the morning i know that if nothing else, I HAVE FAITH.
...which is more than most people can say.

i truly believe that what doesn't kill you will make you cry

...and eventually you'll become a stronger person for it :)

houstatlan...to be continued.

i finally have one more city/state to add to my list of travels...H O U S T O N !

i spent memorial day weekend in houston, tx with my best friends from spelman Lauren and Shetoi (we missed you taara ! lol) and had a blast. the weather was beautiful beautiful beautiful. sunshine and clear blue skies for the most part. 90 degree weather. no row houses ? live palm trees like on the movies about florida. lol. long 45 minute drives on the highway to get from the northside to the southside...wow. [and i complain about eastside to westside ?] road trip to austin, tx for UT Austin's graduation with grandma and john henry. lol. friendliest people ever. adventurous girls from the H-town. sambuca where they don't card which equalled apple martinis with ciroc all around and my favorite--amaretto sours =D butterfly lounge. 2 a.m. let out. streets flooded with people like new york city. slabs aka tricked out candy apple green cars. lol. after party at shell...yes the gas station. police raid. fastest clear out of the century. babysitting. shopping. church. eating. and more eating. law and order marathons. csi:ny marathon. tv and more tv. sleeping and more sleeping. laughing and more laughing. swimming but not really. movies. houston.

i will never as long as i live forget those 5 days where i entered a new time zone and a whole new world. something completely brand new to me and i loved it. i shall return very very very soon. next up...cali ? lol.

black + talented = single ?

"It's hard to find a woman when you're talented and black" - Drake

I think this applies to both males and females. black men that are talented and successful are considered a rare breed. the media portrays them as black gods and our community is forced to idolize these actors, basketball players, lawyers, football players, rappers, singers, and doctors because there is no one else. so these men begin to think that every person that admires them socially or romantically is after their precious gold. because in the eyes of a gold digger , nothing is more precious than their money.

gold diggers - the women that make all talented black men speculate and abuse their relationships with women.

Now women are different. most black women that are talented and successful have problems finding a strong black man that doesn't mind making less money that his partner. why is that ? the male ego is very delicate and needs to be stroked like a purring kitten in order to avoid disputes. but most successful black women are not willing to stroke the male ego or mask their accomplishments in order to find a husband. so they remain single.

so why don't the talented and successful black men just marry the talented and successful black women ? well there aren't enough of each sex to couple everyone and most of the time they won't like each other. plus , if all of the less successful people marry each other then the world would continue to produce a severe upper class and a severe lower class. sucks right ?

back to my baltimore ways ?

. . .or maybe they never left.

i thought that when i came home , i would be the same positive , fun-loving , care-free , goofy person that i was in atlanta. i mean , i never really changed all that much right ?

but when i am home. when i am in this place , i feel trapped. i feel like i'm having an internal struggle with my alter ego. i don't know what i want or who i want it from. i don't know where i wanna be or who i wanna be with. wth.

when i come home, i feel a transformation kick in. i feel the need to mean mug females and talk about their trashy prom dresses or their childish dressing habits. i feel the need to be mean to people. i feel the need to be standoffish because i don't want to be taken advantage of. i feel like i am falling back into my baltimore ways. not to say it's my city's fault that i can be a real bxtch sometimes but there's definitely something about home that makes me scream anger--even if there's no one there =/

three ring circus. lmao.

so last night after dreading sitting in the house on my first saturday night back home , I begged for something to do and harassed stan and marvin into going out to eat and chillin--since that's what we intended to do at some point anyway. over christmas break we all went ice skating and out to eat and it was like a family affair. all was well. so we decided to make it a regular thing. however last night was far from family time and awkward as all turtles. lol.

basically , there was an unwanted and unappreciated vermin lurking in the shadows. so me , kristen , and imani were forced to break bread with someone we haven't liked since middle school. lol. but i wanted to do it anyway because i love stan and marv. long story short , it was very uncomfortable and segregated to say the least. lol.

but here's the punch line.
we met up at the restaurant. they were already there. to begin the awkward evening , we came in the revolving door in a less than wavy way. lmao. kristen and imani decide that all three of us can fit in the portal and spin into the restaurant. WRONG ! therefore we ended up getting stuck in the revolving door together , stumbling over each other's feet and then getting spat out into the restaurant like ringling brothers & barnum and bailey while people stared at us in disgust including the members of our own party. how embarrassing ! but all we could do was laugh at my soaked jeans and feet , our puffy, weathered wraps and our sweaty faces. FML.

define sex.

soooo i just talked about how i was having [writer's block] . . .

"then it came to me like an epiphany" -Chrisette Michele

define sex. one of the most grueling and awkward topics one will ever encounter or discuss. something so painfully embarrassing like falling down a flight of stairs at graduation and painfully real like having a baby before you can graduate from high school. whether it be for pleasure or purpose , sex is something that we deny the respect of decent conversation or consideration and push to the side along with our vaginas. such a participatory act that creates and dissipates so many emotions within a short period of time. it's deeper than most people can actually feel whether they feel like it's already as deep as it can go or not. (sexual pun intended) define deep.

girls give it away freely with little thought or anticipation and guys do the same with NO thought or anticipation. i hate to be biased but based on what I've seen it's true. we live in a world where the more sex you have, regardless of who it's with , the more of a man you probably are and the less sex you have , depending on who it's with , the more of a woman you probably are. false. define man. define woman.

hiatus ?

i was reading my best friend's blog and i have complete understanding of the phrase [writer's block].

for the past four months , especially April , i have been blogging nonstop in hopes that somebody will read , appreciate, and understand my words. i have been pouring my heart and thoughts into this one setting where i am the most vulnerable and open.

but lately, i have lost some inspiration to write something genuine and amazing. and unlike my friend , i do have someone in particular that i could dedicate a love poem to and i do have particular painful situations that are seeping through my pours. BUT, i still have not come across a topic that has captured me enough to share with the world. no epic fairy tale moments , epiphanies or moments of sheer confusion that i haven't already expressed or that i am willing to devote my time to. as of yet . . .

reunited and it feels so good. . .

Right now I'm at my best friend Tracie house off Forest Park . . . westsideeee. haha. that's where we all reside so conveniently. so all of us are back together again . . . missing puzzle pieces that make me love and hate home. and after a few hours, i will get frustrated with them and wanna go back to my house. lol.

anyway, i have gotten used to not spending every day and every hour of my life with them. but they're definitely one of the only aspects of my life that i consider irreplaceable.

so as Toni devotes her attention to all of her yahoo hoes and Imani describes her self- explanatory pictures that we've all seen on facebook while Kristen is tuning in after being in a cave for 10 months and Jacquice and Tracie watch the season finale of House on this confusing and crazy high definition TV (that fast forwards and rewinds and shows when the house phone is ringing wth ? lol.) , I am texting my bro Marvo and blogging and tryna catch up on my internet use while my internet connection is out of commission. good times that I missed.

organized mess.

i love the fast paced life. i love the flashing lights and continuous bass running through my veins. but sometimes so many lights can burn you and blind you without you even knowing. and the bass can discombobulate your heart and r a t t l e your thoughts. just like that.

and when i feel like things are getting too crazy, i i turn down the lights and the loud music and i am left with nothing but my louder than life thoughts. i don't try to ignore them because i love thinking. it's both the most soothing and irritating aspect of my life.

so today, in an interview i was asked to describe myself in three words. i hate that question. because i'm so much more than three words. lol. i am a true product of my mother and father. compassionate, intelligent, beautiful, diligent, shy<-->cautious, stubborn, honest, caring, emotional. two totally opposite ends of the spectrum that color me BLACK. but somehow it works. and i love it. even if no one else can understand , i understand. and i am sure that there is at least ONE ? other person out there that can match it.

winding down , i realize that my personality is no longer so drastic. my qualities are no longer so. . . extreme. and i am actually evened out. thank God. haha.

simplicity.

I love the simple things in life. plant tantalizing kisses on my collar bone. rub my back in a circular motion when i'm out of commission. wrap your arms around me. clasp my hand with yours. sing and rap songs to me even if your vocals aren't on point. watch Nick at Nite with me till 4 o'clock in the morning. let me sleep in your basketball shorts and your white v-neck. play fight with me. tickle me until i fall to my knees. and then pick me up again. lift me off the ground and take me to cloud 9 and gently place me back on earth. listen to my childhood stories. smile with your eyes. speak your mind. show me you heart.

Lauryn Hill said it best when she said, "how sad that all things come to an end; but then again, I'm not alone".

brand new ?

i love the concept of new beginnings and starting over ! even though i'm not really starting over , the summer of 2009 is definitely a new chapter of my life. i have been in atl since august 15, 2008 and i am definitely ready for something new. . .something different. in the past couple of weeks , i have been meeting some amazing people and that has kept my spirits up and going for the last half of the semester. shouts out to my new friends ! haha. going home isn't exactly different , but it's a change from atl trap music , the same people , and the same parties. i have bigger and more adventurous dreams. i have lived inside of a box my whole entire life and this semester , i smashed that shxt. lol. i used to wonder 'is anything i'm doing brand new ?' now i realize that 'everything i'm doing's brand new' [exclusive remix from Drake himself haha] I plan to murder the east coast this summer from NY to Miami. catch me if you can ;)

Soooo FaR GoNe . . .

/> So these two guys , heartbreak Drizzy Drake & Trey Songz, are probably my favorite male artists at the moment - especially Drake. Last night I experienced a memorable concert to say the least . . . front row and everything. lol. i even got pointed at twice and that smile . . . anywayssss , it was great. definitely worth the money i spent for it. He's a great performer for his first tour. It was short but sweet since a lot of his songs featured other people blah blah blah. but this mutlitalented dude has my vote forever and everrrr. actor. rapper. singer. *two thumbs up*

see you in my knightmares.

As I listen to Kanye's 808s and Heartbreak , it just gives me a sense of relief. the lyrics have so much passion behind them to a somewhat soft rock, techno soundtrack. today, i hear my sentiments in this album. only because on days like these when i feel confused and savage , the words are already expressed for me in the most beautiful form that anything can be expressed - through music. but as much as i quote the ratchet lyrics and replay the songs louder and louder , i could probably never really be that way. but then again lately. . . things have been changing. too bad it's too late =\

my favorite necklace.

I wear love everyday like it's the latest fashion.

It hangs around my neck like a ball and chain

weighing me down to the most minimal options ,

the most impossible situations , the lamest emotions ,

the secret pain.

but when i wear it , i feel a sense of pride and individuality

- a sense of welcoming compassion for everyone to see.

it's something that i wear to remind me of me.

something so small but special , so that the world will remember me

not as the girl from "bmore" with the long black hair

or the girl that used to mess with [insert your name here] haha.

but as the girl who was not afraid to parade love everyday

fearless of her feelings , fearless of the truth.

the one to always say what's real . . .

a walking dichotomy called tough love

the girl who is always willing to give her heart away

with a baby pink ribbon and a vibrant red heart.

black girl lost .

the broken pieces of the puzzle , s c a t t e r e d .
as deceitful tales travel from her tongue to the ears of the ones she loves.
and her eyes leak in desperation for someone to end it all.
money falls at her feet like raindrops and she throws it all away
because her conscience outweighs her problems and his problems and their problems.
chasing a world of darkness on an endless road to nowhere.
seemingly heartless.
despite the constant lust for life that overwhelms her body daily.
the short breaths after the long, harsh blows to her chest,
the bandages that strap her ribs in place,
the makeup to disguise the bruises,
the smiles to defer attention,
the frowns that scream for help.
making the decision to infer incisions along her wrists.
to ironically ease the pain or at least to deflect from the eternal internal pain.
she cushions her falls down flights of steps
with her dedication to the lives of others, more than her own
b r o k e n .

Epiphany- Chrisette Michele

Ms. Michele's new album hits stores Tuesday, May 5th and for the TRUE R&B/music lovers , this is something that you would definitely appreciate. I love her originality and her vocal tone (imma geek haha). I feel like the whole entire cd is about me. lol. All I can say is wow.

smoking gun.

so the dude back home kept asking me have i heard this song by Jadakiss. I finally downloaded it and it is soooo positive. we need more songs like this.

Smoking Gun feat. Jazmine Sullivan - Jadakiss