let's move on...

Here's what I DON'T want to see in the next decade...

1. Discussions on the Black woman - if you are not a Black woman, I really don't want to hear your opinion about what we do, how we do it, or our weaknesses. I don't want to hear men commentating on why so many Black women are single or the way we should wear our hair or even our style of dress. you have no idea what it's like to be a Black woman unless you are one. sooo just be quiet.

2. Loose fb statuses and tweets - everybody does not need to know your business, ESPECIALLY when it comes to your sex life or lack thereof. how do you expect to receive respect when you don't respect yourself. granted, no one should be judged solely on their social networking but how do you expect to get a job when your last status says, "I want some head" -_-

3. Trend thirst - just because other people are doing it, doesn't mean you have to do it too. stop being so greedy. if you have an iPhone and a mac, why do you need an iPad too ? if you think jeggings are ugly, why would you buy a pair just because they're supposed to be "in" ?

4. People whining about being single - being single at a young age is a beautiful thing. There are so many other things that are so much more important than being in a relationship at 20. Focus on yourself and your companion will show...eventually :)

5. The words: grind and swag. please bury them in the back of your mind and leave them there.

mother dearest :)

4 weeks ago, I began my journey across the atlantic to a foreign land for a new beginning in the middle of a short story called college. i moved to ghana to start my junior year off right, away from the superficial cattiness of America, to breathe new air and set myself a part from millions of people who have doubted and diminished the value of the MOTHERLAND and all she has to offer. so far it has been a decision that i both loathe and love. you see, ghana and i are in the early/awkward stage of our relationship. her family isn't quite fond of me yet. her traditions are so different from my own. we don't exactly share similar interests in food or clothing and i'm not really comfortable in her space as of yet. she makes me tread far distances on an uneven ground. she keeps me guessing and constantly on my toes. sometimes she is really good to me and other times, she gives me a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. she rains on my parade A LOT, then sends the sun to dry all of my discontent. she makes me laugh when she reveals her complicated beauty and worth and i can't help but to wonder what's in store for us . . .

...you are my friend.

this is and always will be one of my favorite songs. hands down. when did you fall in love with hip hop ? CLASSIC.

the evil step-child.

I sympathize with my Black brothers. I really do. now don't confuse sympathizing with pity because I do not pity anyone. I see you struggle to make it to the top in a world where society makes negative assumptions about your wants or need. they push you to the bottom, caring less about your success or failure.

I see your struggle with racist police officers -- some of which look like you and me but have been re-programmed to believe that you're as hopeless as other races say you are. women don't love you for who you are but for what you have, not realizing what you have to endure to get in a position to provide for us the way that we want you to. we criticize your views, your styles and your mistakes as if we are perfect. we beg for you to be someone who you are not just to control you. what makes us any different than the rest of society ? not every woman is guilty and not every man is innocent, but both sexes play a role in the perpetuation of Black male stereotypes and it's about time that we both recognize our own mistakes.

some of you constantly face closed doors. and open doors are quickly slammed for undisclosed reasons. your options fall far from available. you're slapped and beaten with negative remarks and stigmas that disguise your capabilities and potential. you're laughed at when joining others in the game of life because your skin color is associated with a presumed intelligence or lack thereof. you are encouraged to play sports and entertain and not to fully exercise your brain. you are forced to win several rounds against society before being declared a worthy opponent and even then, you're still considered a non-threat.

i understand. society won't nurture you or provide you with the tools that you need. they'd rather lock you in a cage where they can monitor and limit your goals and intelligence. you're the one for which nobody claims responsibility. your existence is ignored and your words blend with the sounds of sirens and gunshots.

just know that there is somebody out there rooting for you :)

the golden coast.

as 'OMG' and classic snoop dogg blasted through the speakers of a black BMW , a couple of rising juniors from spelman college embarked on a journey. for some , it was a reconnection and reassurance of their love for a city. for others , it was an experience full of firsts -- first visit to the west coast , first plane ride , etc. cruising through beverly hills , hollywood , santa monica , and pasadena seemed like a surreal dream. the palm trees through which the mountains peered were perfectly aligned with one another. awakened by blue skies and sunshine , excitement and beauty. reunited from miami , baltimore , atlanta in CALIFORNIA :)

btw , i'm on a world tour to see all that i can see. currently posted in DC for the summer until my next adventure :)

sophomore year reflections :)

as i sit in a room covered in trash bags and suitcases, i HAVE to ask, where did the time go ? i feel like i slept through sophomore year lol ... for every bad day, i had 3 good ones. i could complain about the ridiculous amount of work i had to do or the friendships that dissolved, but what would be the point in reflecting on bad times ?

i have very few memories of this year but here are a few.

1. MARDI GRAS.

2. homecoming.

3. that suspect encounter with a bong. [no comment] lol.

4. random kickback w/ my fave PHILLY dudes.

5. piedmont park excursion.

6. midnight stroll in midtown.

I became closer to GOD and closer to my friends at spelman. my intellectual thoughts were challenged and critiqued. i learned a lot about myself and about what i want out of life and out of social relationships. partying is fun but i don't need to party every day or even every weekend :) i got the courage to give people a chance ; sometimes i was let down, but i don't regret stepping outside of my box. i gained some sense of independence, laughed till i cried and repeated random knowledge to my friends, lol. sitting in my room on my last night at spelman until spring 2011 [studying abroad in ghana fall 2010 !], i am nostalgic yet excited.

2 years down, 2 more to go :)

2 a.m. thoughts

1. this essay is so long that i cannot put myself through the excruciating pain or re-reading and editing it.

2. why does the second floor of the science center smell like burnt popcorn ? the better question is, how do you STILL burn popcorn at the age of 20 ?

3. is she really going out with him ?

4. i cannot wait to eat again, lol.

5. who hires the lab monitors for the 24 hr computer lab ?

6. maybe i should cut my hair when i come back from ghana since it'll probably become damaged anyway.

7. usher's confessions album is one of the only albums i can listen to from beginning to end without skipping any songs.

8. what's cool anymore ?

9. i remember being such a geek that people laughed in my face and i said nothing back, lol.

10. they say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. but nobody ever says what happens when you actually get killed...

11. russian roulette by rihanna is crazy, but i love it.

12. i don't regret anything yet you're on my mind at 2:09 a.m.

13. guys really do think about women in terms of sex. how sad.

14. sophomore year was boring but somehow i'm inspired ; i miss home.

ahhhhh !

after reading a 50 page discussion about politics in nigeria, i flip to april 21, 2010 in my planner and realize that i have more 50 page readings, articles, 10 pg papers and extra credit assignments that need to be done in a matter of days and in some cases hours. as i scramble around my desk and sort through piles of essays, notebooks and ethnographic literature in search for research paper guidelines, i want to scream. grades, finals, applications. it all becomes too much for one person. but after scuffling through all of the junk that i've consumed during my sophomore year i come across a picture of myself and someone special to me. i realize that life isn't so bad after all because it's JUST school. when i leave for summer vacation, i can't go back and change the outcome of any situation from this semester. all i can do is move forward and pray that i will do better next time. life exists outside of these four walls called college. we're only here for FOUR years. TWO have already flown by. the years that are supposed to be the best years of our lives should be just that. so let's make memories :)

too connected.

obviously the past 10 years have been dominated by social networking sites -- from black planet to myspace to facebook to twitter -- how connected is TOO connected ? how affected are we by these internet sites ? last night i came to the realization that i am too connected to people who are not even my friends or associates through facebook and twitter to the point that i cannot concentrate on school because i have to know what is going on around me 24/7. ummm that's not healthy, lol.

here's my problem :

first of all, you can find out everything you need to know about a person without actually knowing them. a complete stranger can request to be your "friend" and just because you went/go to the same school or have "mutual friends", you accept them. they want to basically be nosy and see what you're about without ever holding a conversation with you. is there something wrong with that picture ? i think so.

second of all, i get tired of people telling me that they miss me so much but they have yet to pick up the phone to call or text me to actually tell me that they miss me. why is being able to see my statuses and recently uploaded or tagged pictures enough for you not to bother to hold a real conversation with me ? to me, that's unacceptable because before social networking, people actually communicated instead of pressing the "like" button underneath my pictures of statuses.

(yeah, i'm a little upset. lol.)

finally, people assume that they deserve to know my every movement and thought throughout the day because that's what we've become used to. NO, you do not get the pleasure of finding out where i am, who i am with or what i am doing via internet. again, if you really are that interested, take down my number or hit me up. otherwise, you don't deserve to know anything that you haven't asked.

something you forgot.

why are we trapped in a cage of rationalization ? we want an explanation for everything. we try to make decisions for our emotions. we convince ourselves, "this is who i want to be with" instead of being real and saying what is really in our heart -- "this is who i want since i can't have who i REALLY want".

we always want things to be clear, cut and dry but unfortunately life CANNOT be that way. we teeter on the line of safety and temptation. we wait in long lines in front of every conveniently open door. we don't wanna work to see what's behind the door that has already been locked. this open door is practically broken off of its hinges so why not walk right through, right ?

life is complicated but is it ? i mean, we can simplify communication. we can simplify travel. we can simplify dinner. we can simplify work.

BUT we STILL cannot simplify our emotions. damn.

where does the time go ?

yesterday, i graduated from kindergarten.

with the title of "the mayor of munchkin land" in the wizard of oz [school play] under my belt, i was ready. at 3'7, 50 lbs, i believed that i was 6 ft tall. the world was my playground -- literally. the concrete was full of opportunity. pastel chalk sticks covered the pavement until they were washed away by the steps of my neighbors and the scuffs of my shoes, jumping rope. any mistakes that were made in marking the concrete could easily be washed away by the lukewarm summer rain. my scars and bruises were temporary. they only covered the surface and existed far from the heart. easily mended by colorful band-aids with my favorite disney characters. the only thing that could make me cry was being told that I couldn't go outside and play or if i had to get my hair done, lol. the fireflies i chased landed right into my hands. i could keep them forever in my jar covered by aluminum foil, lol. and when and ONLY when i was ready, i could just let them go.

how different are things now ?

the answer !

why don't women make as much money as men after all of these years ? why don't relationships last ? why don't men respect women the way they deserve to be respected ?

men do not respect women because women do not respect women.

females find it cute and attractive to be the other woman. they think it's risky. bad ass. "haha I have your man and you don't". well let me tell you this. it's not bad ass, it's not cute, it's far from attractive. and it's desperate.

as long as women allow themselves to fulfill that role, men will never think that there is anything wrong with what they are doing nor will they take responsibility for their actions. females always say, "she needs to control her man; that's not my problem" but it IS your problem. you may NOT be triflin and assume the position of spreading your legs, your lips or anything else for someone else's mate because he flirts with you enough. show some damn self restraint. just because he lights the match doesn't mean that you have to pour gasoline on the flame.

no, you do not get a pass for being the girl on the side who knows nothing about the girlfriend or the wife. if a guy treats the "women he loves" like trash by hooking up with you, why wouldn't he dispose of you at his convenience ? people will respect a woman who has been wronged by her mate before they will respect the woman who helped somebody wrong their mate. who's really dummy in the situation ?

finally, a man NEVER leaves his wife. period. and even if you claim that you don't want him, you do. because a woman would not lay down with or stalk a guy that she does not want in any way, shape or form. so at the end of the day ladies, be real with yourselves. stop making excuses for being a home wrecker and find some pride and dignity.

yes. guys who cheat are triflin and need to be dealt with because that is the person who is completely in the wrong in this situation.

however, WOMEN need to have more respect for other WOMEN and for themselves. as long as we're constantly trying to pull the wool over one another's eyes, we'll never receive equal treatment from men in society.

convenience or love ?

oh how we all long for convenience at such a young age. we would rather the world sit in our sweaty palms than to reach out and grab it. while it's easier said than done (believe me) people still are uneasy about living the lives that they want to live. we wait for life to happen to us and then we react. NO MORE.

we stay in relationships that we've been in forever because we're afraid that we'll never find anyone else. we hold on to dudes who treat us sooo dirty because we want to believe that one day he'll get better or that we're still too young to really commit. but how young is too young and at what point do we give up the excuses ? when we're 25, will we still be too young ? when we're 35, will he still be maturing ? guys chase after girls who are loose and unclean thinking that she has "potential" ... but how much potential does a hoe really have ? seriously you guys , sometimes it's better to just let go.

we enter relationships with people because they're convenient, hoping that love will come along eventually. that's not living.

it's convenient for guys to "wife" girls who are desperate and willing to do any and every thing for him from day one.

love makes guys to anything and everything for girls who they have a genuine connection to , not because of what she can do for him.

it's convenient for two vulnerable characters to hook up. they feed off of each other. but symbiotic relationships do not exist between partners who have parasitic mindsets.

love allows two vulnerable characters to know one another's faults and insecurities and not use that to their advantage but to build better people.

it's convenient for us to see what we want to see and hear what we want to hear.

love is someone pointing out how things really are, even if it hurts.

satan's best friend.

please deliver us from evil.

he's the wall in the room that separates you and I.

he silences my heartbeat and numbs your tongue

he disrupts the parting of our lips

paralyzes our brain cells

poison -- disguising himself as the cool.

lurking...

waiting to ruin our high

he hides between the sheets of our bed

he over-sexualized us

preys on the physical and deletes the emotional, the mental

omnipresent when we're apart

a constant reminder of the past

crippling the present and dooming the future

plastered on every inch of our bodies

we honor his image

so rogue and predictable

he's our saving grace

stifling our progression and advancing stagnation

he sits on the throne of complacency

he's our greatest alibi

FEAR.

His Tears.

they say that when rain falls that means that God is crying.

it feels like it rains almost every day here.

our outfits are more plain.

the absence of make-up keeps our faces pale and clear -- more transparent.

our skin is covered , our heads are bowed.

we portray reverence.

the I becomes less meaningful than the HE.

s c a t t e r e d every day thoughts become more connected.

we're at peace.

the rain makes us conscious.

gives us time to listen to our heartbeat and the story it has to tell.

have you ever wondered why we've been getting so much rain ?

lmao ! i needed this :)

mardi gras 2010 !

you only live life once. so why not do the most ? mardi gras was the experience of a lifetime. i definitely recommend it to EVERYBODY -- young and old. bourbon street is always live. just make sure you bring your jackets and gloves ! lol.

all is fair...?

have you ever felt a knot in the pit of your stomach because you couldn't have the one you really wanted ? you wait for the day when he (or she) will wrap his/her arms around you, engage in a long passionate kiss and say those three magic words. do you know what it feels like to come close to that day and have it taken away from you for what seems like no reason ? there are some people that you fall in love with and don't know it until they don't love you back or they're loving someone else =/

luckily for monica , she got the D BACK. lol.

amazing music :)

a good friend of mine introduced me to this MAROON 5 "call and response: the remix album" and i must say , i loved it the second that the first song played. so many different beats & artists collaborated with our favorite maroon 5 songs. it's pretty much amazing. if you love good music , please check it out !

shoutout to my brother justin ! lol.

the gray area.

people always ask the question, "why does everything have to be black or white ?"

well we live in a world where we strive for clarity. clarity is the most important factor in our lives. yet , we can never TRULY be clear in politics , friendships , relationships , jobs ... let's just face it : when it comes to clarity , human beings suck. even though it is what we long for 99% of the time , we cannot bring ourselves to make a decision until the very last second or until we're given an ultimatum. when we "like" someone on a romantic level and the feeling is mutual , we want to know , what are we doing ? in other words , are we together or not ? most of the time the answer will be what do you mean ? and why does it have to be one or the other ? wtf does that even mean ?

in all actuality there is no REAL gray area. the gray area is messy. it disappears and reappears at your convenience. it's a middle space that is easily occupied. anybody can come and go through that space without putting forth too much effort because we want life to be easy and effortless. we expect matters of the heart to be perfect and when they are not , we flee to the gray area -- where you can have your cake and eat it too. we're greedy. and more importantly , we are unclear.

but at the end of the day. everything is in black or white. you're either in love or you're not. you trust me or you don't. you're either alive or dead. period.

TAKERS, take me !

the first time i saw this trailer , i almost cried. soooo many sexy men ! straight yummmmy.

distance.

every time i exhale , a piece of you , a piece of us , dissipates into thin air.

for years , i breathed you.

carefully joined to my lips

like life support ---

YOU were my air.

time wears at my brain.

the constant click of the second hand drives me insane

in an apparent circular motion

constantly leering at my rearview mirror

counting the seconds that separate WE into you and I

and i choke.

i can no longer feel the riseandfall in my chest.

my heart stands still.

finally

i breathe.

personal growth :)

i honestly believe that every day i mature more and more as a young adult. and over the past few weeks , i have come to some interesting conclusions.

1. i am in love with someone who i have loved forever but he has been taking up way too much space in my heart and mind. i was paying more attention to him as an individual and less attention to myself as a spiritual and intellectual being. all of the love and energy that was being centered around him , needs to be redirected to GOD.

2. i have been watching opportunities pass when i should have been taking full advantage of life and everything it has to offer. i was so attached to stability that change left and after a while , so did my happiness because my life was stagnant. now i choose to go for everything that my heat desires because i deserve it :)

3. i cannot participate in self reflection through a comparison between myself and other people. i am who i am and they are who they are. the ways in which other people live their lives do not and cannot work for me because i am my own person. my self evaluation is between me , myself , and I.

4. the love that i have for my friends , family and GOD cannot be replaced or taken for granted. i don't say i love you enough and that's changing because any day could be my last.

and last but not least ,

5. i have been afraid to experience life because i was reliving the past in the present every day. but the past is exactly that for a reason. it will always be a part of me but instead of allowing it to control my present and future , i will use it to make the world a better place :) [corny , i know lol.]

finally , I'M HAPPY.

maybe some of the ideas that have been placed in my heart can help other people. maybe not.

just a thought.

humans are naturally sexual beings yet every time SEX is brought into a conversation , people become uncomfortable and withdrawn. why are we so afraid to discuss something so natural ? probably because its natural purposes have been characterized more as an after thought than a purpose. for example , an individual participating in a sexual act that does not include penetration has no intention of procreation -- the original purpose of the act. people jump into bed with strangers completely AGAINST becoming pregnant. now something that can be so beautiful is portrayed as something so dirty. civilization has come so far that we spend most of our sexual lives preventing pregnancy because people are no longer having sex to repopulate the earth , but to release tension or gain pleasure from sex as a leisure activity like skiing or golf. haha.

it should be taken way more seriously but this is the world that we live in. you choose what's best for you.

just a thought :)

a confession of a teenage girl.

she never thought that she was beautiful.

i knew in my heart that i was much different than other girls at the age of 14. my hair was coarse with shades ranging from dark brown to blonde. my body was exquisite to the male species but to me , i thought that my legs were stumpy and that i was way too short. my eyesight was way below the average eyesight of a teenager and while i owned glasses , i refused to wear them after repeatedly being teased in the 7th grade. so i constantly squinted and sat at the front of the class so that i would be able to see what most people could see from a mile away. [even though i was physically nearsighted , i could see much farther than any other 14 year old ever could.] people scowled at me because they knew that i knew all of the answers. they laughed at me because i was pigeon toed but they were ignorant so they called me bowlegged. i loved math and english. and fashion was neither interesting nor important to me. people used a variety of adjectives to describe me to other people. smart , thick hair , glasses , brown skinned , short , quiet but beautiful ? NEVER THAT.

i believed that i would never meet a guy who liked me enough to ask me out. i lacked the confidence to interact with other people in fear that i wasn't cool enough or interesting enough. in situations involving the opposite sex , i dreaded their approach and focused my attention elsewhere just to avoid contact. i was afraid to be.

awkward , plain , shy , smart , thick hair , short , and brown skinned were all ways that other people described me but beautiful ? NEVER THAT.

just a friend.

everybody dreams of the day that they will meet their soul mate and when they think they've met them , they casually flirt , playfully laugh and wrestle , put on a little extra eye shadow or just a tad bit more cologne. you're watching your favorite comedy and you happen to reach for the popcorn at the same time as they do and you gaze deeply into their eyes and they say ...


"you're such a good friend"


WTF ? lol. after you put so much effort into trying to make that person see how much you admire them and they hit you with the you're such a good friend or you're like my brother/sister line , it's painful. so after admitting to having a crush on someone and completely putting yourself out on a limb for that person , can you fulfill that position of just a friend ? could you listen to all of their stories about their significant other , meet up with them when they need advice , lend them a helping hand in certain situations , be able to be alone with them without being awkward or celebrate holidays and birthdays without feeling emotionally or physically attracted to that person ?

a lot of people would much rather sever all ties between themselves and that individual than endure every gruesome minute of that person's life via pictures and social networking sites -- knowing that that will never be them. people disappear because they know that they will never be "the one". it's difficult to experience but it doesn't have to be all or nothing. i believe that while people do need time to heal , they should make an effort to continue to have a friendship with that person if indeed they do consider them to be their friend. there's somebody for everybody and sometimes the somebody that you want is not the somebody for you. once you can accept that and be at peace with the fact that your crush does not possess the same feelings for you as you do for them , you can begin to MOVE ON. you may or may not build a friendship with that person. it may or may not work ... but it doesn't hurt to try :)

love or craft ?

have you ever wanted to do something so bad that you would trade the one you love to do it ?

the scary thing is that there are a lot of people who have. in a country where ambition outweighs familial obligations , friends and moral values , one's "passion" makes the emotional feelings that are felt by human beings appear to be obsolete. people fall in love with what they do because they can't fall in love with anything or anyone else. this obsessive behavior stems from fear , rejection and loneliness. if someone has been hurt once by someone that they were in love with , people would rather hide behind their careers than to face the facts and pick up the pieces of their lives. they get so lost in what they do , that it becomes who they are. they can no longer distinguish between the two. the personal and the professional become heavily intertwined and anything that disrupts that can send someone into a frenzy. your craft doesn't talk back and it can't break your heart. it's something that will remain a part of your life for better or for worse. no matter what , your craft presents a loyalty that cannot be found in the common person.

people love to be in control. that's why most people are workaholics. love is something that cannot be controlled. so if you had to choose between your heart and your ambition , which one would you choose ?

voyage through india.

today, INDIA ARIE spoke at spelman and i was inspired to say the least. her spiritual connection and theories about life could be applied in so many ways. what most people would call scatterbrain and unorganized thinking, i viewed as abstract thoughts being spoken from the heart of a beautiful and positive human being. when something is heartfelt, it cannot be rehearsed or placed into coherent sentences of a three paragraph speech. life's lessons are not taught to us in a speech and therefore cannot be truly delivered through one. and while some people may have completely missed the messages she bestowed upon us , there were several things that stuck with me and will stick with me forever.

one of her theories about money was : money is nice but it should not control you. you should be able to do what you want and live happily AND have money. the decisions that we make are monetarily motivated and that does not have to be the case. time and time again, i am reminded that some people are made to be workaholics and some people are not. i am NOT a workaholic and i refuse to put myself in a position that would make me unhappy. i wish more people could see that but if they don't now , they will sooner or later. depends on the individual.

another theory that she expressed was that : people should not prejudge or make assumptions based on what they think they already know. if we take our assumptions out of situations , we will discover more about others and ourselves. also , when we judge an opportunity without giving it a chance , we may miss our blessing. who knows ?

today i had an amazing epiphany. as a budding social scientist and young woman, i realized that the most important thing to do is to make yourself happy. this is something that i already knew but i tend to forget the simple things when life gets a little crazy. whether it be in academics, relationships, work, spirituality ... your happiness is the most important aspect of mental health. mental health is the most important part of you. even when people are sick , it is important that they maintain their mental health because that's our motivation to live. so live.