i love college.

i wish i could put up every moment captured by taara of this school year. each and every one of these people have made my freshman year unforgettable. *additions may be added between now and next week*

She's the effin best !

she stands alone in the center of it all.
no one is like her , so none like her.
because crack runs through her purple veins like antibiotics
and her children are untamed just like the life she lives.
her life is full of twists and turns, ups and downs,
her path is far from smooth.
they're constantly using blush and white eyeliner to soften her harsh, ugly face.
but her eyes glow bright green with greed and addiction.
and her bold, black eyeshadow strips the soft white eyeliner.
9mm pointing at her from every direction
strays invade her house like poison.
her children throw dirt in her own backyard; a quest for a treasure that they'll never posess.
she's feisty; so when she fights she's always the winner
because she's at the center--the heart of it all
that bursts and bleeds with undeniable cries for help !
while the doctors watch impatiently with scapel in hand
but she'll never die because her heart beats to a never ending tune of sirens and gunshots, dirtbikes and buses, screaming and laughing.
BALTIMORE.

since when is it O.K. ?

Yes, it's Jay Z. They say he was playing around backstage with a friend in South Africa but regardless, this is what makes other young men think it's okay to beat on women. During the Chris Brown and Rihanna incident, Jay Z and Kanye West were all over tv dogging Chris and saying how domestic violence isn't okay blah blah blah. but both of them have been caught (especially Kanye) mushing, pushing, slapping, and verbally abusing their female "fans".

I hate how money excuses you from being persecuted about acting like an asshole. Everybody writes the actions of money moguls off as whatever they say they are without even considering that the person could be lying. Domestic violence is a serious issue. The battery of women is not a joke. Would Jay Z like it if some man did that to Beyonce and said he was just playing ? would Kanye appreciate some man yelling and cursing at his mother ? no , i doubt it. the world is full of hypocrites--even our role models.

mission accomplished :)

I'm so terrible but I love it. This is what college is about. Few know what I am talking about, but I just feel the need to share my sheer excitement, even if no one understands. haha.

I'm getting mad shade for doing me, but at least I'm cool [puts on sunglasses here]. corny huh ? lmao.

............

But on a serious note, "I am not a dog catcher. If you expect for me to chase you, that's fine. But don't get mad when I adopt a pure bred."

the grass is never greener . . .

summer love.
it's hot outside and i have been begging for heat and sunshine for the longest but now that it's here, something has come over me. i have been experiencing all of these feelings and internal conflicts this last half of the semester and last night, they subsided. the desire to "release your contract", the desire to walk away, the desire to cry, the desire to rebel, the desire to criticize . . . gone with the rain and wind. yesterday, i felt the sun graze my legs for the first time in a long time and for the first time in a long time, i. felt. you.

because when i think of summer, when i taste summer, when i feel summer . . . i think of you, i taste you (haha), and i feel you. 3 out of the 4 past summers, i have spent with you. heat stroke stroll down wildwood parkway. awkward bus rides (we were so young :) the harbor. celebrating our summer birthdays. surprise boat rides. countless amusement parks. butterflies of our first time and butterflies on roller coasters. obnoxious car rides. ritas. bi-monthly visits to outback (lol). his and her cargo shorts. greasy fast food. fast fights. tattoos. love.

i am finally realizing that the grass is NEVER greener on the other side; it's just shadier.

oh , how i love Beyonce

last night as i was reading facebook statuses, i saw that a girl from maryland had already gotten her tickets to see Beyonce. now, the last time i checked she was touring in Europe so i was confused. i went to her website and found out that the I Am...Sasha Fierce North American tour will be initiated this June!!! 6 days before my day of birth aka June 24, B will be in DC at the Verizon Center! Tickets go on sale on Saturday at ticketmaster and the first 2000 people will only be charged $20 per ticket! wtf ?! my mom will be on ticketmaster.com tomorrow morning at 9...waiting until 10 so that we will be in the building. fa sho. I'm beyond excited!!

***public service announcement***

***IF YOU WERE NOTHING THEN, YOU ARE NOTHING NOW***

I find myself constantly having this conversation with my friends because we're soooo sick of it. I'm so sick of people living their lives in the shadows of others and then using college as a chance to shine. you have a chance to start over. yes. we all have taken advantage of that. but , starting over does not mean re-creating you. you are who you are regardless of what anyone else thinks. at the end of the day, you have to look in the mirror and love yourself. no one else. and right now, this whole guy/girl thing may seem like a big deal. but it's not. right now, nothing is a big deal. we are rising sophomores and the drum of life beats whether you prove yourself or not. when you go to college, you are expected to change. but some people need to evaluate the changes they are making. are they positive ? do they reflect the kind of person that you really want to be ? if all of these people disappeared tomorrow , would you look at yourself the same way ? if the answer to any of these questions is no , then you need to take a time out this summer to reflect on your social being. let's grow up, shall we ?

and i am just getting started !

so freshman year is basically over. phew. that was easy. lol. but really it was. most of the difficulty i faced was homesickness, this long distance relationship and shady male characters. other than that . . . piece of cake, piece of pie :)

so here's my countdown in no specific order.

1. getting stuck at atlantic station because this guy from Cali parked illegally and got his freakin car towed. smh.
2. my second thirsty thursday encounter where i got so unbelievably drunk that i could not hold my head up. lmao.
3. 4/20 - when i experienced the high of a lifetime that sent me into a psychotic rage.
4. every hump wednesday.
5. the night we went to a cookout, randomly ended up at this apartment in what seemed like the middle of nowhere, freestyled on the "stoop" and created a soul train line. lmao.
6. Cool Kids concert that Janelle Monae unexpectedly opened and made my night :)
7. Wale x UCB experience where i saw the love of my life - T.I.!!!
8. each and every thursday of first semester at motions when it was actually poppin. whomp.
9. Drake Concert !
10. OBAMA NIGHT! enough said.
11. the concept of the bottomless cup ;)

these are probably the most important/influential experiences of freshman year that i can think of at the moment . . . and as i keep hearing people say "I can't believe it's already over", all i can say is , "what ? I'm just getting started !"

my vagina says . . .

so one of the privileges of attending an all Black women's college is that you can pretty much say anything you want. basically. and sometimes we start of our conversations like "my vagina says..." so what ? lol.

anyway . . . the word vagina is soooo taboo in our society. by the age of 20, we are still uncomfortable with even mentioning our vagina. but why ? people say it's because of the European ideals that have been forced upon us. supposedly women are supposed to be discrete and mysterious creatures. we're expected to suppress our sexuality and individuality. we are raised to believe that our vaginas are sacred. therefore, we shall not say its name in vain. but then again, women never have a reason to discuss our vaginas. our vaginas do not come up in our daily conversations. therefore, we never have the chance to even say the V word.

but, men repeatedly refer to their penises on the daily basis. they interact with their penis and they are taught to openly express their relationship with their genitals. however, most men will not refer to their penis as such because of a lack of maturity. actually, any non-medical conversation about the penis at all shows a lack of maturity and insecurity. but that's just my personal opinion. at least they don't have a problem with saying it.

my vagina says that we are too old to be afraid to even say her name. period. and if you are not mature enough at this point to say the biologically correct term for our private parts, you shouldn't be having sex either !

diligent disrespect.

we live in a world where men can commit terrible crimes against females but they can never commit to a relationship. women are emotionally brutalized while their husbands receive the purple heart for saving a fallen stripper and lying her on her back. and he kisses her lips with lies and deceit without having any remorse while her eyes burn with fury and indescribable passion. she cries. and all of the guys laugh because they feel no pain and in their eyes the feelings of a woman mean as much as the feelings of a man. nothing.

we live in a world where we are taught to forgive and forget when we're constantly remembering. and we can't help but to remember. terrible experiences that create blood clots for women who only ask questions because they're curious, not because they don't have trust. jealousy does not constitute distrust, but for some reason men don't believe so they invest in lust.

maybe i should invest in lust.

officially missing you.

as i wind down my freshman year, i can't help but think about summer. and as i think about summer, i think about all of the memories we will create and how much fun it will be to finally be reunited with my girls ! and that's mainly because when i sit down and mute the tv and get off of facebook, i realize that i miss my crew ! and i knew that i missed them. i knew it all year. but some recent events have definitely triggered some nostalgia.

i miss walking down the harbor and randomly climbing federal hill.

i miss taking pictures of unintentional ugly faces from fxcked up angles.

i miss laughing hysterically at people and situations that only we would find hilarious.

i miss Imani's random singing and Kristen's random rambling.

i miss Toni's crazy hair and Tracie's random appearance and disappearing acts. lol.

i miss Jacquice's rude comments and the shxt that we say back.

i miss phrases like "what is the chew ?", "what is the snazz ?" "what are the firecrackers ?" [the list goes on and on]

i miss driving all around Baltimore, jamming so hard that everybody has to stare.

i miss inside jokes and inside quotes.

i just miss you.

four twenty.

everybody who knows me knows I do not partake in green leafy substances that you set on fire to see a cause and effect. clearly, now i know why. i figure that in life, you should try everything at least once - especially in college ;). and every time i try something new, i poison myself. . . literally. tingling. losing my thoughts from one minute to the next. thinking something and then actually doing and saying it out loud. screaming. laughing for miles. crying. losing my mind. losing my thoughts. losing me.

last night, i was lost.

hungry. sleepy. everything seems like it never happened. i have no recollection of doing ANYTHING. lol. but i knew i did it. and when i tried to explain that to people, they laughed. it was frustrating and scary at the same time. i could hear every word, every door, every beat and every body. when i thought i was sleep, i could hear myself snoring. creepy right ?

i ate a brownie and it was like heaven. it was so soft, chocolate and chewy. i am not even a chocolate fan. but this one brownie made changed my life and my perspective forever. people say it's because i ate the shxt instead of smoking it. . .i guess.

"I ditch my friends and make them find their own ride home" lmao.

BRUNO !

everybody knows I am a HUGE Borat fan, so for him to come out with a movie this summer is heaven on a screen. vulgar. disrespectful. hilarious. I love this guy!

I Used To Love H.E.R

when I met him, he was wearing a shirt that says "I Used To Love H.E.R".
classic Common Sense told me he could be my lover.
his almond shaped eyes turned my face bright red.
I couldn't get his comical lyrics out of my head.
two weeks later I saw him in an elevator.
and I'm laughing cause I never told him, "Imma see you later".
he was cool on the outside but his demeanor was so goofy.
I got caught up in him and not the game he was spittin to me.
...slash around me.

so that Sunday i got lost, but then he found me.
I lost respect for him; I didn't want him around me.
a scared little boy trapped in a grown man's stature.
we went to see the Cool Kids and our friendship was patched up.
had no feelings what-so-ever for him.
until he disrespected who I was as his friend.
so I let it go again.

but a few months later, I realized that this was stupid.
I just wanted a male friend; I wasn't at all searching for cupid.
but soon after the day of cupid came around,
I saw him, and I felt my heart hit the ground.
and my box of Cool Kids and Common Sense,
was replaced with Drake lyrics and some wild nonsense.
When I met him, he was wearing a shirt that said, "I Used To Love H.E.R".

Bonnie.

so i think i can freestyle. haha. but not really. this is really random but i love it.

driving fast, switching lanes O.C. weaving in and out between the mini vans in the grand marquis. and i just hit cruise control. catch me if you can cause my heart runs fast and my attention span is minimal cause I'm always on the go. make my phone ring Drake, got my love poppin like ecstasy. I'll take you to the next level like I'm hittin piano keys. and you're wondering "when and where can i get her time cause she's certainly what I would call one of a kind. she lookin like the ace...fa sho." (lol) but i don't love 'em.

They're always hittin the pedal while I'm steady pushing the brakes. and they mad. I know their girlfriends mad too because they could never make their boyfriends call and text like I do. but I don't love 'em. We kiss and make up and then I leave 'em. they takin shots and smokin blunts to have fun but I don't even need 'em. so i start running. my heart is beating faster than yours but your temperature is rising and i can't feel your pulse. then i remember, bad boys are always layin around. that's why they give me their number and they stay on the ground. I'm 10 feet tall and you're only two feet high. i don't love 'em. i don't heed 'em. i just call when i need 'em.

Ressurection Monday =\

I should have wrote this yesterday but today will suffice.

taking pictures and listening to gogo while laughing hysterically with my new found loves. my phone rang and my hysterical laughter hit hysterical tears and in less than two minutes my smile had been completely reversed and my eyes welted in frustration.

oh love, oh love, stop making a fool of me.

feelings crushed. hope crushed. once my weekend had actually started to become a weekend, it was over. two to six words. yeah, he did that.

with less than five hours of sleep, I got up and went to church for the first time in forever and I have to admit, it felt soooooo good. and i was resurrected. cliche' ? maybe but for me it was real. i was in a slump for two whole days and then on the third day, my heart rose. the song, the dance, the word of God penetrated my desecrated soul and the joy and happiness I'd been experiencing for weeks that was temporarily removed was completely restored in me. i dreaded Easter. i dreaded spending Easter alone. i dreaded finding a church and finding a ride, but all along what i needed was only beyond the spelman back gate =] later Easter Sunday, I had a KiKi Sheard/Hezekiah Walker/Donald Lawrence/Tye Tribbett experience that created in me a clean heart. within one day, i was back.

Over the 24 hours of resurrection sunday, one thing became very clear. "Guys are only human; therefore no one is any better or different than the other. God is love. Boys are boys".

you ask me how i still smile ?

. . . as you nibble on my ear and intense chills run up my spine without remorse.

. . . as you stare at me with that silly smirk on your face and amazement in your eyes -- those beautiful brown eyes that make my whole body melt like cotton candy; those beautiful brown eyes that i refuse to look into because i know i will blush.

so i smile. which is easier than saying, "i've been through so much. fxck the world."

. . . which is easier than saying "i like you a lot".

i will never forget that moment. the definition of real.

"Best I Ever Had"

why can't i get you off my f*ckin mind ?! everytime i almost forget, YOU make me remember.

soooo reality sets in...

All freshman year, I have observed the art of playing games. This is nothing new but damn in such a concentrated setting, it's hilarious.

I've watched guys chase girls, girls chase guys, girls talk shxt and guys fight guys. I've watched relationships and friendships be made and easily broken and easily re-made. smh. i thought we were in college ? but really it's high school in another state with new people, less food, a lot of naps and random adventures. i love how people think they run the AUC. i love it. because sooner or later it all comes crashing down. and that later has finally arrived.

people have gotten really bold these first few days of our last days as freshman. tension has reached its ultimate peak and the people who you thought were down for the count were really just kidding and they are calling niggas out! hilarious much ? i definitely think so.

What's in my ears ?

Make Love - Keri Hilson

Prom Queen - Lil Wayne

Chillin - Wale ft. Lady Gaga

I Love College - Asher Roth

Let Me See Your Booty - The Dream

Knock You Down - Keri Hilson ft. Kanye West & Ne- Yo

Brand New - Trey Songz

So Far Gone CD - Drake

Beyonce does it again!

My girl B and my man Idris are teaming up for Obsessed, which comes out April 24th. It should be amazing. I'm tooooo excited but aren't I always when it comes to Beyonce ?

rough nigga shit ?

so me and one of my best friends, Imani have actually talked on the phone like 3 times this semester which is a record. lol. and basically we came to the conclusion that we're somewhat retarded and contradictory because we're from Baltimore City and we like rough dudes. not to say that we like ignorance or abusive men! but we do like to be around dudes that have that urban factor. there is a difference. this is the perfect guy in our eyes (minus all of those other typical beautiful qualities):

1. you have to KNOW (not be) at least one drug dealer. if you've never met one or if you don't know one, you wouldn't be able to deal with our friends or family. annnndd you're probably from a whack no man's land.
2. you have to have that urban factor. meaning, you can defend yourself at any moment and you're always down for whatever.
3. you have to be well rounded. you can be real hood but at the same time, you're educated and you do what you gotta do to be successful---legally.

and this is why we always fall for the wrong guys!...lmao. and we know this and we acknowledge this. we want these guys that we can relate to but then they always have these qualities that everybody else wants, so it always gets messy. regardless, we will continue to be hard headed and search for the ones that meet our criteria until one day, we find the right one. maybe I already have.

misunderstood.

i throw up my middle finger and unconsciously make strange faces that tell it all. i try not to be negative but my tongue just slips. my lips move faster than my mind sometimes and i am misunderstood. mistaken. "trust no nigga, fear no bitch mentality" a cement wall around my heart. underconstruction. i can make you love me . . . but not really. i'm an acquired taste. sassy but sweet - if you can make it there. the ones who are willing to remove the "wall" brick by brick are the ones who are closest to my heart. the people who are able to see right through it, are the people that love me the most . . . because they understand struggle. they understand pain. they understand me. but most people will never make it that far. why do i make it so hard ? because it's my life and i only want real people in it.